You know anything yet?
- Jim, I asked for privacy. - Yeah, and I said no.
Look, I'm sorry, it's just the first time
I ever hoped a pregnancy test was positive.
It's weird, it's like praying for an audit.
You didn't want to do this with Gayle?
Uh, no, I didn't want her to have to deal
with the disappointment if it was negative, which...
Shit.
- It's positive. - Oh, come on.
- No, it's positive. - It is?
- Yeah. - Oh, my God!
- What, I don't even know. - I have no idea.
Hey, Jim, what do you have in your belly right now?
Oh, well, last night's lo mein.
Why, Gabby, what do you have in your belly right now?
- My fucking baby! - Oh, my God!
Oh!
Hey, Gayle, it's me. Are you in here?
- Oh, hey. - Hey, babe, look.
- Holy shit. - I know, right?
And I know it took me a little while to come around at first,
but now that it's really happening,
I have never been more sure of any decision.
Wait, wait, what are you doing?
I'm joining you. We have to celebrate.
No, we don't want to get all pruney.
Let's celebrate in the living room.
I'm sorry, I couldn't hold my breath any longer.
But I heard the news, though. Congrats.
Skied high out to shallow right.
Sanchez gets a very late break on that ball,
and oh, it drops in.
Oden heads on home to score.
That was not a particularly good showing
for Sanchez, was it, Gabby?
Did he get a poor angle on that ball,
or just a bad read?
Uh, both.
Well, that's very astute,
because so often in today's world,
we force ourselves into a binary thought process,
when in reality, two things can be true at once.
Fastball fouled down the right side this time.
Still, you got to be wondering
what is going through Sanchez's mind right now.
Oh, probably just reliving his own failure
over again and again, just wondering "why me?"
And, like, "what did I do to deserve this humiliation?"
Williams lines that one out to right.
Manwaring corrals it,
and you can put this one in the books, folks.
Oakland loses to Kansas City by a count of 9-1.
Stay tuned for the post game wrap-up with Sam and Dave.
What is going on with you? Are you still in shock?
Did you tell Gayle? Was she... was she excited?
She was surprised. Everyone was surprised.
Wish I could have been there to see it.
I mean, all this beautiful, intense female emotion
just cascading forth.
You guys are a... you're a living womb
of love and laughter and light.
This baby's going to have two mothers, Gabby.
Two women just in it together, melding their maternal powers
to create the peak upbringing experience.
Oh, happy times. Just...
happy, happy times.
I'm sorry, I don't want to hear your 20-minute breakdown
on whatever bullshit you watched
on Discovery Investigation.
Well, you don't have to,
because Dakota loves murder just as much as I do.
Dakota.
Nobody loves murder!
Look, we are supposed to be raising a baby together.
When I said that I wanted to start a family,
I was using it as an excuse not to move to Oklahoma.
But then you got all Gabby-like, and super type A.
Found a doctor, picked the sperm, got injected,
all before we had a second conversation.
And then, you get pregnant on the first try.
Like, what non-teenage girl does that?
A goddamn champion, that's who.
And you were there for all those decisions,
and I'm sorry, but you never said shit.
I did.
I tried to end this relationship three times,
and you always talked me out of it.
Because you don't make good cases. Your evidence is weak.
Well, now it's strong.
I think that's why I did it.
I blew up our life because
then you would finally hear me.
Okay.
Then that's... yeah, then fine. I am ready to hear you.
What are you trying to say?
After 10 years with you, I get to be new to someone again.
These past six weeks with Dakota have been
the most passionate and intense experience of my life.
Like, when was the last time
that we had sex on the kitchen floor?
You had sex on the kitchen floor?
Where else?
- Not on my loveseat. - Oh, God, no, of course not.
Okay, all right, yeah.
That means a part of you does still love me,
because... because you know how much this piece means to me.
Because you remember how I fell for it
on our vacation, remember, in Maine.
And I had it shipped back to our apartment
even though it was, like, ridiculously expensive.
And then, I dragged it with us through six apartments
in four different cities because wherever you
and this piece of furniture were,
that was home. Our home.
We didn't have sex on it because that thing
is made out of sharp angles and sandpaper.
I've always hated it.
Terrible news. Just... just terrible.
Come on in.
Is that a loveseat?
Uh, hope you don't mind,
I was feeding Clemenza when you called.
Oh, he's my turtle. He came with the place.
He's 100 years old.
Oh, that would explain the weird smell.
What smell? Hey, buddy.
Hey, were your hidden inner ears burning there?
Say hi, Clemenza. Say hi.
Mm, no, if that thing comes near me, I'ma kick it.
♪ I'm chopping up some cabbage ♪
♪ For Clemenza ♪
♪ I'm chopping up some cabbage ♪
♪ For my boy ♪
♪ Chopping up a cabbage ♪
♪ For a turtle baby boy ♪
♪ Turtle baby boy ♪
Here we go.
Oh, wow, he does stink. You're right.
Well, basically a 100-year-old ballsack inside of that shell.
- I mean, can you blame him? - This is a nightmare.
- Morning. - It's 3:00 p.m.
But hey, time is a construct, isn't it?
- Breakfast for you? - Just coffee.
Well then, you are in luck,
because Charles sent me a bag
of the best coffee in the world.
These beans are dug out of the poop of the Asian Palm Civet.
That's a... a catlike creature
that inhabits the jungles of Sumatra.
I'm going to interpret your seeming lack of interest
as depression and I'm going to continue here.
No, these literal magic beans
have their acidity removed from them
through the wonders of intestinal biology.
At $200 a bag,
they're a totem for the wanton opulence
that defines late stage capitalism.
But you know, I...
I got it for free, so what do I care?
Oh, boy, oh.
Uh, you want to talk about it?
No, you wouldn't understand.
Now, okay.
I realize that what I'm about to say should never be said
by an old white man to a young gay woman of color,
but I understand exactly what you're going through.
Well, come on, every broadcaster in the world
who's ever called a baseball game
after walking in on their wives cheating on them
is sitting right here on this very uncomfortable loveseat.
Any-whoodles, I'm here for you.
Please use me as a resource.
Just... just ask me anything.
Is the cat shit coffee ready?
One cup of cat shit, coming right up.
Look after Clemenza for me.
Bye, Jim.
God damn.
Jesus.
Just, like, so much stool softener.
Yeah, you offer no comfort.
You got this.
Okay.
All right.
Nope.
The tortoises of the Galápagos
live on seven of the islands. The islands...
Hey.
Um, how was your day?
Hm, I watched a bird commit suicide, so better.
God, this thing's even more uncomfortable than it looks.
It's actually... it's pitching me forward
as if it doesn't want to be sat on.
How can something be too small to fit two people comfortably,
but too large to fit into any space?
- Shut up. - I hope that you...
Can you please just stop talking?
Every time you open your mouth, you make things worse.
Sorry, sorry, just... I want to be here for you.
Okay, then just, like,
be quiet and just watch the movie.
Great, okay. What are we watching?
"Dunkirk."
Oh, the Christopher Nolan movie?
No, I haven't seen this one. I'm... I'm excited.
It's pretty good. I mean, I don't know.
All those British dudes just look alike,
so it's kind of confusing.
And there's like three separate timelines...
Oh, why does every goddamn story
have to be a math problem? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
This man's oeuvre is a bit of a trigger for me,
so I can't be in this environment right now.
I'm going to head out. Can I get you anything?
Something to eat? I'll go to any restaurant
that brings a smile to your face.
Maybe Panda Express.
Oh, honey, don't settle for that.
- It's not settling. - Panda Express?
That's the definition of settling.
Well, I've never had it before, or any fast food.
I've been an athlete my entire life.
I've always eaten clean.
I'm almost a little excited to finally try it.
Where's the bloody Air Force?
Oh, look, okay, so now, the timelines have merged.
So it's like, the past is now the future, but the present...
Nolan, you son of a bitch!
Okay, sorry, got to call my sponsor, can't be here.
Hello?
Jesus.
- What took you so long? - Sorry.
Like, did you get everything?
Two honey walnut shrimp, one Shanghai angus steak,
one five flavor shrimp,
three orders of cream cheese rangoons,
seven fortune cookies, one fried rice,
one steamed rice, one Kung Pao chicken, no chicken.
Zach now has Tuesdays off
so he can be with his new "girlfriend,"
so I had to walk Jessica through that order,
and not surprisingly, your Kung Pao chicken, no chicken
proved to be way beyond her grasp.
Where's the sauce?
Oh, just reach into the bag. It probably fell to the bottom.
I'm sorry, what?
Oh, I'm sorry. Is there not enough sauce?
That... my fault, my fault.
I was in charge of getting the sauce.
Jim told me to get more than I ever thought
one person could consume, so I then made a judgment call.
Yeah, you remember Maggie?
No, we had plans to go out for some ice cream.
She was kind enough to begin our date...
Shut up. I need three squirts of sauce per bite.
Per bite!
Chili, Sweet Chili, Savory Sriracha.
Am I taking crazy pills?
Like, is this very difficult to understand here?
There is barely enough Chili.
There is not even close to enough Savory Sriracha.
Okay, nope, that's it, the end, can't eat it.
Don't want it, can't have it, thank you very much.
I hope you're happy.
You just starved a woman eating for two.
If I may, three.
You, your baby, and your depression,
which I think we can all agree is mainly
what the Panda Express is feeding here.
Now, I know what a bender looks like, darling.
This is a bender you are on here.
You don't move.
You don't even go upstairs to sleep.
You know what? I want to see your FitBit.
- No. - Now let me see it.
- No. - Hey, FitBit,
or no Panda for you. Let me just see.
16 steps, my God.
It's 10 steps to the bathroom,
and with the way you chug Mountain Dew...
Have you been peeing in Clemenza's litter box?
- Oh, God, you're horrible! - Oh, no!
Did I pee in Clemenza's litter box?
Jim, tell me something.
What's on the roof of your Christmas village?
How exactly did winter come?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Okay, okay.
I am sorry you're hurting,
but at least you know it was real.
- What are you talking about? - You feeling this way
only proves that you really loved her,
and that is not nothing.
I always find it sad when a relationship ends
and you feel nothing, because then
it was truly a waste of time.
That's obviously not the case here.
You clearly really loved her.
I did, and yeah, I still do.
Yeah.
Now get back to the Panda,
and bring me those packets you owe me, Sauce Bitch.
- Okay. - Oh, Gabby.
No, no, don't you move. Now, come on, now.
Uh, excuse me, how long has that door been left open?
I don't know.
Got one rule in the house, right?
One. Keep the doors closed
so Clemenza cannot escape...
no, never going to forgive you for this one!
Ever, ever! Oh, my poor little
100-year-old baby boy! Clemenza!
Clemenza!
He was, like, four steps away. And there's a fence,
so I might have over-reacted to that one.
Uh, this has to stop, yeah. I'm not this person.
I don't wallow, no.
I set goals, I follow through, I move forward.
I need to get out of the house. I need to go back to work.
Yes, you do, because quite frankly,
I'm running out of ways to cover for you.
Oh, PS, you've had shingles for several days now.
So the more you scratch yourself at work,
the better it'll be for both of us.
Okay.
Oh, our living room.
Couch?
Nope.
Ooh, okay.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, it's just peachy, Pat.
Bye.
Bye, fuck you. Bye, thank you.
Hey, everybody, and welcome back
to this gorgeous spring day in Seascape, Florida,
where we have reached the top of the fourth here
at King's Venom Vape Cartridge Stadium.
King Venom Vape Cartridges: We don't make the juice.
We don't make the pens. We are not liable.
Oakland's number one pitching prospect,
Julio Rodriguez, still out there on the mound.
And for those of you keeping score at home,
I am joined in the booth, finally,
my friend and colleague, Gabby Taylor.
Gabby, better late than never. How you doing today?
Oh, bad, Jim. Yeah, not good at all.
I am getting a divorce after finding out
that my wife has been cheating on me.
Oh, and for those of you who don't know, I'm gay.
Oh, the rare coming out statement
where the homosexuality was an afterthought,
as Rodriguez snaps a curve
that Leonard waves through for a strike.
- 0 and 1. - 0 and 1.
For the past week, you've been begging me
to talk about my breakup, and now that I'm ready,
you don't want to hear it?
I thought the only way to call a ballgame
was to keep your eyes open and tell the truth.
Rodriguez misses with a slider wide.
I'm just not sure this is the appropriate forum
to air these kinds of grievances.
Are you kidding me?
You aired your grievances in my exact situation,
and now there is an entire subsection
of lesbian porn where people dress as you.
"Cuckmire" is in lesbian porn now?
My goodness, that thing has legs.
Oh, my God.
No, it transcends gender and sexuality.
Leonard pops that one up and out of play.
I'm the prime example
of why you should not talk about this stuff on the air.
No, I was a broadcasting pariah for years.
What do you care if I get canned?
I care about your career
because you're a natural in the booth, Gabby, I mean that.
Hey, that means a lot coming from me.
The last time I paid a fellow broadcaster
a compliment, it was 1994.
I told Dick Enberg that he led the league
in going bald gracefully,
as Rodriguez misses outside again.
Full count, 3 and 2.
- I gave up coaching for... - Oh, please, use a pseudonym.
- For Meredith Baxter Birney. - Nice.
I took this job for her,
And what does Meredith Baxter Birney do for me
but cheat with some half-wit wannabe Instagram photographer
and leave me just homeless and pregnant?
Well, I am so sorry, Gabby.
Rodriguez misses wide off the plate for ball four,
and Leonard heads to first.
Boy, Julio seems to be having trouble
locating his fastball today, doesn't he?
Yeah, his leg plant's too stiff.
It's messing with his arm slot.
Looks like pitching coach.
"Slim" Jimmy Wilcox agrees with you
as he councils Rodriguez.
My council to you is to make your anger a passenger
and not the driver, Gabby,
because my anger took me on a road trip
through every dive and brothel in South East Asia.
The only reason my anger didn't kill me
was I picked up a tapeworm in Myanmar
that acted as a kind of intestinal Brita filter.
The poor thing tapped out after six straight years
of nothing snake whiskey, Quaaludes, and chicken feet.
Let me tell you something, that is a bowel movement
that you do not soon forget.
Brenly settles into the box now,
and he is frozen by a good curveball
that just does hook the outside corner.
Look, Gabby, as one cuck to another, all right?
No, one thing that helped ease my pain
was to accept the fact
that I had some culpability in the end of my marriage.
Oh, so now you're saying you're responsible
for Lucy "Lucying?"
Brenly takes a fastball low.
Count's even, 1 and 1.
I am not responsible for my wife's actions.
Okay.
But, um, if I'm really going to think about it,
maybe we weren't meant to be together.
Maybe she was just the only other lesbian
on my dorm floor at Arizona State.
Julio misses outside with a breaking ball.
Brenly gets ahead, 2 and 1.
It's been painful, uh...
but all I've ever done is just play through the pain.
I feel like I've been trying to walk off this relationship
for the last five years.
Ah, I should have seen it.
Good fastball there, catches the outside corner.
So, why didn't you?
Because then, I'd have to admit
that we weren't going to make it.
I mean, my whole life,
I've just been winning a game that's rigged against me.
I didn't think I could lose.
Not at something as big as this.
All right, well, allow me to offer
that life is rarely as black and white
as winning and losing.
And even if it were, hey, I'm looking at a winner here.
You know, you're on the verge of a very long career
in both broadcasting and motherhood.
I'd buy stock in your future.
And in this oligarchical dystopia
that we all seem to be hurtling straight towards,
I might soon be able to. Who knows?
As Rodriguez blows that fastball
right by Brenly for the strikeout.
Well, I'd buy stock in Julio Rodriguez.
He's a little looser with that plant leg,
and getting back on top of the two and four-seam fastballs.
- Very impressive. - It sure is.
It appears that we have been
neglecting our sponsors, however.
And in a lifetime first,
I have grown tired of the sound of my own voice.
So, Gabby, what do you say?
You still with me?
This overly emotional conversation
has been brought to you by King Venom Vape Cartridges.
You need a 510 thread? We got you covered.
An E60 thread? No problem.
710? We can't help you.
It's a proprietary technology that we don't have access to.
Still just amazes me
that that's the largest sponsor we can get.
Do you really think everything will be okay?
In this country and the world at large, no.
Global warming and the decrease
in labor demand due to automation
is giving us all a big two-handed push
right into the abyss.
But as far as your life goes, you'll be fine.
All that stuff won't affect you or your child
for a good, like, oh, ten years or so.
Can you read it again?
- Again? - Yeah.
Um, "our bosses wanted to thank the three of us"
"for 'pushing the paradigm of broadcasting"
"into the 21st century.'
"I don't know what that means.
I'm confused and scared. Signed, Gus."
He actually wrote "signed, Gus."
I don't think he understands how texting works.
I cannot believe we're not fired.
No, no, we just gave them
a whole season's worth of free publicity.
Right now, we are every baseball owner's dream.
We are superstars on a cheap contract.
Oh, what about April if she's a girl?
Well, behind every great name, there's a story.
So what's April's story?
She's named after the start of the baseball season.
Oh, I like April very much.
Boy, I feel like I'm just nailing
this whole "good friend" thing.
What else can I do for you?
Just, like, not talk for a while.
That's going to be really hard for me.
I know.
Aw.
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